¤ ‘Top a lemon tree, twiddling the stem, Of a ripening, juice-swollen gem, Clementine decked her- -Self in sticky nectar, And christened it “Crème de la Clem”. ¤ Hitherto had the hamlet suspected Clem Of lewd conduct with citrus in Bethlehem, But their slurs, she averted, And tartly asserted, “When life gives you lemons, have sex […]

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Apples to Orgasms

On a tuffet she lay, As each dwindling ray, Kissed her muffet like summer’s last lover. Splayed without care, And as perfectly bare, As the autumn-blown branches above her. ∇ Hand on her thigh, Welling up like the eye Of a storm, calm, awaiting ascent. Moans from her mouth, Sent the birds soaring south For […]

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The Ballad Of Guffins The Gallant

Of the joust, proclaimed Gallant Sir Guffins, “With each vict’ry, my fortitude toughens!” In his cups, though, he’d say, Where his heart truly lay, Was in farting upon English muffins. ♣ And as errant air blared from his fanny, Bid the Knight (with no absence of canny) To his squire “Egad! Henceforth, butter these, lad, […]

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Returned from a ride, Carl, Catherine and I’d Always find ourselves in disarray. • Two little girls, Penny loafers and curls, ‘Top our mud-smattered Clydesdale valet. • Bedraggled with crud, Would we scrub, soak, and sud At the comely colt’s calico coat. • Stood he seventeen hands, Of a thoroughbred strand (And of Flemish descent, […]

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Merciful Mothballs

Foreword: This poem is formally dedicated to Norm MacDonald, the funniest guy I [don’t] know. − “How do you do today, moth? Don’t be shy.” “Bozhe moi, doctor, where to begin? Beset with cold sweats, seized by spells of shakes, I Feel my fevered fate fast wearing thin. • For my boss, Mr. Gregor-Alinnovitch, year […]

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Discordant Duet

You provide me with purpose, Your touch brings me life, And with trebly crescendo I cry. ♥ I trill at your tickle, I fit as you finger me, Practiced with prowess most spry. ♥ Inside of me, trembling, You hammer away On my heartstrings, as gently you croon, ♥ In my belly, vibrations Of bass […]

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Pissin’ Into The Wind Up A Mountain

As Sisyphus took a piss into the wind ‘Neath the boulder, eternal his place, His decision, at once, did he wish to rescind, When the warm assault seasoned his face. Ω Dejected, defeated, and dripping with pee, Compounded belabored humility. His abysmal existence doomed always to be But a sick exercise in futility. Ω Ineffectual, […]

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In the poorly lit waiting room, Valerie dear, Of the 9th precinct, down in the basement, Your last words still echo and ring in my ear, As I give the detective my statement. ♥ “You look hungry,” you’d greeted me, glint in your eye, All but nude, save for shoes, at your door, “I could […]

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Barroom Betty

Her lips were wet, Her hips wide-set, Her voice rasped deep and coarse. º Her eyes were shrewd, Her thighs tattooed, Her tits a tour de force. º Her scent of beer, She bent my ear, She’d recently divorced. º With glee I reeled, When she revealed The absence of her drawers. º My world […]

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‘Twas Midday Before Christmas

‘Twas midday before Christmas and Lachlan MacLinner, Was out hunting game for his family’s dinner. Plaid stockings clung tight to his legs with great care, Whilst, not one, but two hats, hid his red, thinning hair. ♥ At his kilt did the cruel winter wind bite and tear, Making prunes of a norm’ly more pendulous […]

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