Dear Valerie

In the poorly lit waiting room, Valerie dear,

Of the 9th precinct, down in the basement,

The last words you’d spoken still ring in my ear,

As I give the policeman my statement.

If only you’d played a bit harder to get,

This fell tragedy, we’d have averted.

Waxing appetites whet, we’d not had dinner yet,

And “Go down on me. Now.” you asserted.

Ah, yodeling deep in your gully, my mind

Drifted back to the last time I’d eaten.

That stale Peanut Chew in the ashtray defined,

For me, such a delectable treat then.

Then ‘round my head, feeling your quaking thighs tighten,

Twixt nethers so gently, I pulsed.

“So far, so good,” thought I, my sense of pride heightened,

I loved how you thrashed and convulsed.

But when next I glanced up, I was puzzled to see you

Assailing yourself with an Epi-Pen.

‘Twas precisely that instance, beloved, I knew

How the both of us teemed with adrenaline.

Resolute, I returned to the task I had started,

Urged on by your whooping and wailing,

“Don’t stop!” the choked, swollen command you imparted,

Deciphered though seizing and flailing.

Wearied, I watched as your windpipe constricted.

Oh, would that I could have been, Valerie,

More considerate of (just a lick) those afflicted

With clearly severe peanut allergies.

Night Of The Loving Dead

“It’s over” she croaked, choking back sallow tears,

To her lover, aquiver with dread,

“Your perversion has worsened, affirming my fears,

I’ll enable you no further, Ned.”

Ned brushed her pale cheek with his clammy, grey hands,

Gently stroking her dull, thinning hair,

Which promptly fell out into wet, moldered strands,

As his eyes met her cold, lifeless stare.

“Since last spring, when I killed you, increasingly clear

Has the answer become, sweet Amelia,

For, now that I too am dead, technically, dear,

It appears we’ve cured my necrophilia.”

When they kissed, his thin lips fell off into her teeth,

And her jawbone dislodged from her head,

But ’twas plain as the maggots a-wriggling beneath,

Long their love would live on — though undead.